Saturday, July 13, 2013



My hubby and I met when I was fifteen and he was seventeen (my junior, his senior year in high school) at a mutual friend’s birthday party. That was a Saturday, and after spending all that Sunday talking online, we’d planned on going to Homecoming together and he was my ride to and from school. He met my mom that Tuesday and on Friday it was my turn to meet his parents. That Friday there was a really funny (now, then it was mortifying) story. His dad came downstairs and where was Greg’s hand? That’s right; it was up my shirt… After going upstairs, his dad told him “next time I’ll knock” while laughing. I was all girly and “Omg, how am I going to go upstairs to leave later?”. Greg’s response was to say “well, it’ll make a good story to tell our grandkids”.

I pounced on that! “’Our’ grandkids?” So you can see that we have known since the very beginning that we were “it” and had always planned on having children. Of all the dreams of what I wanted to be when I grew up, the only one that never changed over time was “Mother”. So in 2007 and then again in 2009, I was brokenhearted and discouraged when I had what seemed like a miscarriage. The first was during a time when I had no health insurance and was a couple months before our wedding, so I never went to a doctor to confirm or anything and it was for the best anyway, but still. The second was a week before Mother’s Day and involved passing tissue. I did go to the doctor that time and while she said it’s possible it was NOT a miscarriage and for all I know the first wasn’t either, all she could definitively tell me was there was no sign of infection.

Regardless of what may or may not have actually happened, they still felt like losses and failures. I began to truly fear that I may not be able to have kids. Then in March of 2012, tragedy struck our family when our two year old nephew passed away due to choking on a regurgitated peanut. It was a freak thing that NO ONE could have prevented, but that didn’t really make it much easier.

It was then that Greg and I actually began considering not having children at all. I was probably more serious about it than Greg. I let fear get the better of me and it was like that for several months as we joked about the things we could do with our lives if we didn’t have kids (such as going on a cruise every year…that very nearly won that battle :P).

In the end, we decided not to let fear rule us, myself in particular, and decided we still wanted kids, but of course still wanted to make sure we were “ready”. What that meant to us is: 1) being financially stable, especially without me working since we wanted me to be a stay-home mom; 2) having the right mindset, such as being willing to lose video game time or reading time to put a child’s needs first and give them the time and attention they deserve; 3) have an exercise routine in place so that we could hopefully be in better shape, but mostly so that we could maintain our weight; and 4) have a better diet instead of eating out all the time or eating junk all the time.

I left my job November of 2011, because Greg was got his raise so that he was making as much or more than we had been together – check off #1. I love to read, but that can be done easily while multitasking and doesn’t really have any sort of deadlines so I could willingly put down a book and do household chores and things that needed to get done and I had pretty much already given up gaming, with Greg basically in the same boat – check off #2. I started out doing TaeBo and Yoga, but ended up getting into a walking routine every morning that I actually enjoyed (yay audiobooks *wink*) sometime in 2011 and Greg was jogging – check off #3. We’d gotten much better about our diet, getting lots of fresh foods and whole grains etc. etc. from the grocery store and less Pizza Hut and Popeye’s and Chick Fil A about the same time (in fact prior to my last stressful year at work, we’d each lost over 50 lbs.) – so check off #4.

The only things standing in our way in 2012 was fear after our nephew’s death and the possibility that we wanted to move out of state before starting a family. However, we faced down the fear and decided it wouldn’t be so bad to have a baby before moving. So on August 31st, when a dear friend of ours announced they were expecting, we were just talking and ended up deciding to start trying.

Now when we made this decision, it was “ok I’ll stop taking my birth control pills”. DO NOT DO THIS IN THE MIDDLE OF A PACK. That’s what I did and within days, my body goes “oh no more hormones, guess that means it’s time” and I got a surprise period 2 weeks early. That was less than pleasant. Not only that, but going off BC pills suddenly can sometimes have some side effects. It was nothing drastic, just uncomfortable. My nipples hurt like hell, and I mean just my bra or my shirt or the brush of my squeegee thingy (yes I call it that) that I use to wash in the shower was sucky. That lasted for about 2 weeks I think before I felt normal again. Other than that, my periods were regular from that point on (starting from the surprise one), though maybe a little heavy. I’ve always been a cramper, so that wasn’t new for me.

Once we began “trying” it was a little nerve racking. First, you have to try not to actually think about the fact and just enjoy each other like nothing’s different. Second, you get your hopes up every month when that week comes up and it’s disappointing when instead of two pink lines, you get a sea of red. My consolation was that hey, it meant I was in fact not pregnant so I got a free week of drinking wine without guilt.

But then the time finally comes when you DON’T get that sea of red, and wouldn’t you know it’s usually when you least expect it…


  1. I am sorry to hear about your losses.
    I could imagine your hesitation. I had my first son at a young age and it was my only pregnancy for about 10 years. Now, I have a 3 year old also. :)

    1. I can't imagine having a child young, I can barely imagine it now lol. Sounds like life is treating you well though :-) Congrats on both kids!

    2. Thank you!!
      I was raised around children, so it wasn't a complete shock. Lol. I was a 19 year old single mother. I had an amazing mom who helped me as much as possible whether it was advice or babysitting so I could work and go to college.
      It was a struggle at times, though I wouldn't have changed a thing. I met my now husband about 10 years ago and started dating 8 years ago. He is amazing and loves my oldest like his own! I am very lucky! :D

  2. I can really relate to the losses. I attended a funeral for my cousin's newborn that died of SIDS at a few days old. Watching her raw grief, I climbed in the car numb. I rarely drank but I went home opened a bottle of turkey and sat on the couch while my husband tended to our 3 year old and my mom came over to tend me. I wouldn't have slept having seen that without the bottle knocking me out eventually but I remember saying to them, "I'd rather never have more kids than lose one."

    I've never had more kids and 12 years no birth control. If I cursed myself that night I'm actually okay with that. I wanted a house full and we always thought our son would grow up with a lot of siblings. But in the long run, I knew I couldn't handle that kind of tragedy. It sounds pretty lame but I'm not sure how I would even handle a miscarriage because I break easy.

    Good luck and hugs!

    (Kathryn Edgar)

    1. I can only imagine. Even before this one's born, I couldn't bear for something to go wrong. At least you have your son :-)